Months 11-12: Conflict Resolution
Related Phases
Months 11-12 Detailed Schedule
Weeks 39-44: Phase 4 - Navigate Conflict
Everything you’ve learned gets tested when conflict arises. Phase 4 teaches you to handle the hardest conversations - with skill, empathy, and courage. Conflict isn’t failure; it’s inevitable. The question is whether you navigate it skillfully or destructively.
How to Use This Schedule
Daily Time Commitment: 30-60 minutes
- Morning option: During baby’s first nap
- Evening option: After baby’s bedtime
- Split option: 15 min morning + 15-30 min evening
Flexibility Rules:
- Miss a day? Just continue where you left off
- Behind schedule? Skip optional items (marked with *)
- Ahead? Move to next day or go deeper on current material
Icons:
- :movie_camera: Video/Course
- :books: Reading
- :headphones: Audiobook-friendly
- :memo: Writing/Reflection
- :wrench: Setup task
- :brain: AI practice
- :zap: Quick task (< 15 min)
Phase 4 Overview
| Week | Book(s) | Focus |
|---|---|---|
| 39 | Difficult Conversations | The Three Conversations framework |
| 40 | Getting to Yes | Principled negotiation, BATNA |
| 41 | Nonviolent Communication | Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests |
| 42 | Thanks for the Feedback | Receiving feedback, triggers |
| 43 | Getting Past No + The Anatomy of Peace | Breakthrough strategies, heart at peace |
| 44 | Integration & Practice | Role-play, reflection, consolidation |
Week 39: Difficult Conversations - The Three Conversations
Goal: Complete “Difficult Conversations” + Understand the three conversations in every conflict
Day 267 (Monday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :movie_camera: | Watch: Sheila Heen at TEDx “How to Use Others’ Feedback to Learn and Grow” | 15 min |
| :books: | “Difficult Conversations” - Introduction + Chapter 1 | 45 min |
| :memo: | Identify: What difficult conversation have you been avoiding? | 10 min |
Video: Search “Sheila Heen TEDx feedback” on YouTube
The Core Premise:
Every difficult conversation is actually THREE conversations happening at once.
Why This Book First:
- From the Harvard Negotiation Project (same team as “Getting to Yes”)
- The foundation for understanding ALL conflict
- Once you see the three conversations, you can’t unsee them
Your Avoided Conversation: Write down one difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding:
- Who is it with? _______________
- What’s it about? _______________
- Why have you avoided it? _______________
Day 268 (Tuesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Difficult Conversations” - Chapter 2 (The “What Happened?” Conversation) | 50 min |
| :zap: | Note: What’s your default in conflicts - blame or curiosity? | 10 min |
The Three Conversations:
| Conversation | What It’s About | What Goes Wrong |
|---|---|---|
| 1. What Happened? | Facts, events, who did what | We argue about who’s “right” |
| 2. Feelings | Emotions on both sides | We ignore or suppress them |
| 3. Identity | What this says about me | Our self-image feels threatened |
Conversation 1: “What Happened?”
The Truth and Perception Problem:
- There is no “truth” - there are two stories
- Each person sees different data
- Each person interprets differently
- Neither story is complete
The Shift:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| ”Here’s what happened…" | "Here’s what I saw…" |
| "You did this wrong" | "I experienced it this way" |
| "That’s not true" | "I see it differently” |
Day 269 (Wednesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Difficult Conversations” - Chapter 3 (Stop Arguing About Who’s Right) | 50 min |
| :brain: | AI-assisted: Map a past conflict from both perspectives | 15 min |
The “And Stance”:
Don’t choose between stories. Hold both:
- “I think I worked hard AND you think I could have done more”
- “I felt hurt AND you didn’t intend to hurt me”
- “My intentions were good AND the impact was harmful”
Contribution vs. Blame:
| Blame | Contribution |
|---|---|
| Who’s at fault? | What did each of us do? |
| Looking backward | Looking forward |
| Judging | Understanding |
| Creates defensiveness | Creates learning |
The Question:
“What did I contribute to this situation?”
This doesn’t mean taking blame. It means understanding the system.
AI prompt:
I had a conflict with [person] about [situation].
Help me map this from BOTH perspectives:
1. What I saw and experienced
2. What they probably saw and experienced
3. What assumptions am I making about their intentions?
4. What might they be assuming about my intentions?
5. What did each of us contribute to this situation?
Day 270 (Thursday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Difficult Conversations” - Chapter 4-5 (Feelings + Identity) | 55 min |
| :memo: | Reflection: What conversations threaten your identity? | 10 min |
Conversation 2: The Feelings Conversation
The Mistake: Treating emotions as irrelevant The Truth: Unexpressed feelings leak out anyway
Feelings vocabulary (expand yours):
| Category | Examples |
|---|---|
| Anger | Frustrated, annoyed, irritated, furious, resentful |
| Sadness | Disappointed, hurt, lonely, grief, discouraged |
| Fear | Anxious, worried, scared, insecure, nervous |
| Shame | Embarrassed, humiliated, inadequate, guilty |
| Joy | Excited, proud, relieved, grateful, hopeful |
How to Share Feelings:
- Name them directly: “I feel frustrated”
- Not accusations: NOT “You make me frustrated”
- With context: “I feel frustrated because this matters to me”
Conversation 3: The Identity Conversation
Three Core Identities at Risk:
| Identity Question | When Threatened… |
|---|---|
| Am I competent? | ”Are you saying I’m bad at my job?” |
| Am I a good person? | ”Are you saying I’m selfish?” |
| Am I worthy of love? | ”Does this mean you don’t care about me?” |
All-or-Nothing Thinking:
- Threat: “If I made a mistake, I’m a total failure”
- Complexity: “I’m a person who sometimes makes mistakes AND is still competent”
Ground Your Identity: Accept that you are BOTH:
- Someone who tries hard AND sometimes falls short
- Someone with good intentions AND sometimes causes harm
- Someone who is competent AND still learning
Day 271 (Friday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Difficult Conversations” - Chapters 6-8 (Starting + Learning + Expression) | 55 min |
| :zap: | Create 5 flashcards on the Three Conversations | 10 min |
How to Start a Difficult Conversation:
Don’t Start With Your Conclusion:
- BAD: “We need to talk about your poor performance”
- GOOD: “I’d like to understand what’s been happening with the project”
Start from the Third Story:
The Third Story is what a neutral observer would see:
- Your story: “You’re always late”
- Their story: “I’m overwhelmed”
- Third story: “We have different expectations about timing”
The Opening:
“I wanted to talk about [X]. I have some concerns, and I’d like to understand your perspective.”
Purpose Check: Before starting, ask yourself:
- What do I want to learn?
- What do I want to share?
- What do I want for the relationship?
Day 272 (Saturday) - Lighter Day
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :headphones: | “Difficult Conversations” - Chapters 9-11 (Problem-Solving) | 45 min |
| :memo: | Exercise: Script your avoided conversation | 25 min |
Problem-Solving Together:
After understanding, move to solving:
- Generate options together
- Ask: “What would work for you?”
- Find creative solutions
- Test for understanding
When They’re Difficult:
| They… | You… |
|---|---|
| Attack you | Reframe to the issue |
| Won’t listen | Acknowledge first, then share |
| Get defensive | Acknowledge their feelings |
| Deny everything | Focus on contribution, not blame |
Script Your Conversation:
For the conversation you’ve been avoiding:
Opening (Third Story):
“I wanted to talk about ____________. I’ve been thinking about it, and I want to understand your perspective.”
Your Story:
“From my point of view, ____________”
Curiosity:
“I’m curious how you see it? What’s been going on for you?”
Feelings:
“I feel ____________ because ____________”
Request:
“I’m hoping we can ____________“
Day 273 (Sunday) - Review + Transition
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | Complete “Difficult Conversations” - Final chapters | 35 min |
| :memo: | Review flashcards | 10 min |
| :wrench: | Order/download “Getting to Yes” | 5 min |
Difficult Conversations Summary:
| Conversation | Key Insight | Shift |
|---|---|---|
| What Happened | There’s no “truth” - just two stories | From certainty → curiosity |
| Feelings | Unexpressed emotions leak out | From suppression → acknowledgment |
| Identity | All-or-nothing thinking traps us | From simplicity → complexity |
The Transformation:
| From | To |
|---|---|
| ”Let me tell you what happened" | "Help me understand your perspective" |
| "This is your fault" | "What did we each contribute?" |
| "That’s wrong" | "I see it differently” |
| Defending | Learning |
Week 39 Checkpoint
Before moving to Week 40, you should have:
- Read “Difficult Conversations”
- Understood the Three Conversations framework
- Scripted your avoided conversation
- Created 5+ flashcards
- Obtained “Getting to Yes”
Week 40: Getting to Yes - Principled Negotiation
Goal: Complete “Getting to Yes” + Master BATNA and principled negotiation
Day 274 (Monday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :movie_camera: | Watch: William Ury TED Talk “The Walk from ‘No’ to ‘Yes‘“ | 19 min |
| :books: | “Getting to Yes” - Introduction + Chapter 1 | 35 min |
TED Talk: The Walk from ‘No’ to ‘Yes’
The Core Premise:
Negotiate based on PRINCIPLES, not POSITIONS.
Position vs. Interest:
| Position | Interest |
|---|---|
| What they SAY they want | WHY they want it |
| ”I want $50,000" | "I want to feel valued and pay my bills" |
| "I need the corner office" | "I need visible status in the organization" |
| "We can’t do that deadline" | "We’re worried about quality and burnout” |
William Ury’s Key Insight:
“Go to the balcony” - Step back from the emotion to see the situation clearly.
Day 275 (Tuesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Getting to Yes” - Chapter 2 (Separate People from Problems) | 50 min |
| :memo: | Apply this to your current negotiations | 10 min |
Principle 1: Separate People from Problems
| Hard on Problems | Soft on People |
|---|---|
| Attack the issue | Respect the person |
| Stand firm on interests | Be open to their feelings |
| Challenge the logic | Acknowledge their perspective |
| Push for solutions | Build the relationship |
The Formula:
“I understand you’re frustrated AND we still need to solve this.”
Common Mistake:
- Attacking the person: “You’re being unreasonable”
- Better: “This situation is challenging. Let’s figure it out together.”
Relationship + Substance:
- Don’t sacrifice relationship for substance
- Don’t sacrifice substance for relationship
- You can have BOTH
Day 276 (Wednesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Getting to Yes” - Chapter 3 (Focus on Interests, Not Positions) | 50 min |
| :brain: | AI-assisted: Uncover interests behind positions | 15 min |
Principle 2: Focus on Interests, Not Positions
The Orange Story: Two sisters fighting over the last orange.
- Position: “I want the orange”
- Solution: Cut it in half
BUT if they’d asked about interests:
- Sister 1: Wanted the juice (to drink)
- Sister 2: Wanted the peel (to bake)
Both could have gotten 100% of what they needed.
How to Uncover Interests:
| Ask | Example |
|---|---|
| ”Why?" | "Why is that important to you?" |
| "Why not?" | "What concerns you about the other option?" |
| "What would that give you?" | "If you got X, what would that enable?" |
| "What’s the problem you’re trying to solve?” | Getting to the underlying need |
AI prompt:
I'm in a negotiation about: [situation]
My position is: [what I'm asking for]
Their position is: [what they're asking for]
Help me:
1. What might be MY underlying interests (not just position)?
2. What might be THEIR underlying interests?
3. What questions could I ask to uncover their real interests?
4. What creative options might satisfy both sets of interests?
Day 277 (Thursday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Getting to Yes” - Chapter 4 (Invent Options for Mutual Gain) | 50 min |
| :zap: | Create 5 flashcards on the 4 principles | 10 min |
Principle 3: Invent Options for Mutual Gain
Expand the Pie Before Dividing It:
- Don’t assume it’s zero-sum
- Look for trades: “I’ll give you X if you give me Y”
- Find low-cost, high-value trades
Brainstorming Rules:
- Separate inventing from deciding
- Generate many options before evaluating
- Look for shared interests
- Make their decision easy
Low-Cost, High-Value Trades:
Find things that:
- Cost you little but matter to them
- Cost them little but matter to you
Example:
- You want flexibility (costs them nothing)
- They want reliability (costs you nothing)
- Trade: You commit to consistent delivery, they allow flexible hours
Day 278 (Friday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Getting to Yes” - Chapter 5-6 (Objective Criteria + BATNA) | 55 min |
| :memo: | Calculate your BATNA for a current negotiation | 15 min |
Principle 4: Insist on Objective Criteria
| Subjective | Objective |
|---|---|
| ”I deserve more" | "Market rate for this role is…" |
| "That’s not fair" | "Industry standard is…" |
| "I feel undervalued" | "Companies of our size typically…” |
Sources of Objective Criteria:
- Market value
- Precedent (what’s been done before)
- Scientific/expert opinion
- Legal standards
- Efficiency
BATNA: Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement
Your power in any negotiation comes from your alternatives.
Calculate Your BATNA:
- What will you do if this negotiation fails?
- What are your alternatives?
- How good are they?
The Rule:
Never accept a deal worse than your BATNA. Never reject a deal better than your BATNA.
Your BATNA Worksheet:
Current negotiation: _______________
If this fails, I could:
My best alternative is: _______________ This means I should accept anything better than: _______________
Day 279 (Saturday) - Lighter Day
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :headphones: | Complete “Getting to Yes” - Final chapters | 40 min |
| :memo: | Design a negotiation strategy | 20 min |
When They Won’t Play:
What if the other side:
- Uses dirty tricks?
- Won’t negotiate on principles?
- Has more power?
Negotiation Jujitsu:
- Don’t push back; redirect
- Ask questions instead of statements
- Use silence
- Ask for the reasoning behind their position
Develop Your Strategy:
For your next negotiation:
| Element | Your Answer |
|---|---|
| My Position | What I’m initially asking for |
| My Interests | WHY I want it |
| Their Position | What they’ll likely ask for |
| Their Interests | WHY they might want it |
| Options for Mutual Gain | Creative solutions |
| Objective Criteria | Fair standards |
| My BATNA | My best alternative |
Day 280 (Sunday) - Review + Transition
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :memo: | Review all Week 39-40 flashcards | 15 min |
| :wrench: | Order/download “Nonviolent Communication” | 5 min |
| :zap: | Watch: Marshall Rosenberg NVC intro (YouTube, 15 min) | 15 min |
Getting to Yes Summary:
| Principle | Application |
|---|---|
| Separate People from Problems | Hard on issues, soft on humans |
| Focus on Interests | Ask “Why?” to find underlying needs |
| Invent Options | Expand the pie before dividing |
| Use Objective Criteria | Fair standards, not power plays |
| Know Your BATNA | Your power = your alternatives |
Week 40 Checkpoint
Before moving to Week 41, you should have:
- Watched William Ury TED Talk
- Read “Getting to Yes”
- Calculated your BATNA for a real negotiation
- Designed a negotiation strategy
- Created 10+ flashcards (cumulative)
- Obtained “Nonviolent Communication”
Week 41: Nonviolent Communication - Speaking from the Heart
Goal: Complete “Nonviolent Communication” + Practice OFNR daily
Day 281 (Monday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :movie_camera: | Watch: Marshall Rosenberg NVC workshop (first 30 min) | 30 min |
| :books: | “Nonviolent Communication” - Introduction + Chapter 1 | 30 min |
Video: Search “Marshall Rosenberg NVC workshop” on YouTube (3+ hours available, start with first section)
The Core Premise:
Connect with yourself and others through honest expression and empathic listening.
Why “Nonviolent”?
- Violence = any language that judges, blames, or demands
- Nonviolent = language that expresses feelings and needs
- The goal: Connection, not control
The Question NVC Asks:
“What are you feeling? What do you need?”
This applies to BOTH:
- What am I feeling and needing?
- What are THEY feeling and needing?
Day 282 (Tuesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Nonviolent Communication” - Chapter 2-3 (Observations) | 50 min |
| :zap: | Practice: Convert 3 judgments to observations | 10 min |
Component 1: OBSERVATIONS (Not Evaluations)
The Difference:
| Evaluation (Avoid) | Observation (Use) |
|---|---|
| “You’re always late" | "The last three times, you arrived after the start time" |
| "You never listen" | "When I was talking, you were looking at your phone" |
| "You’re being defensive" | "When I gave that feedback, you crossed your arms and raised your voice" |
| "This is messy" | "There are papers on the floor and dishes in the sink" |
| "You’re irresponsible" | "The deadline was Friday and I received it Monday” |
The Test: Could a video camera capture this? If not, it’s an evaluation.
Practice Conversions:
| Judgment | Observation |
|---|---|
| ”She’s rude" | "When I asked a question, she walked away without responding" |
| "He doesn’t care" | "When I shared my concern, he said ‘okay’ and changed the subject" |
| "They’re lazy" | "The task has been on the list for three weeks without progress” |
Day 283 (Wednesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Nonviolent Communication” - Chapter 4 (Feelings) | 50 min |
| :memo: | Build your feelings vocabulary | 15 min |
Component 2: FEELINGS (Not Thoughts)
Feelings vs. Pseudo-Feelings:
| Pseudo-Feeling (Thought) | Actual Feeling |
|---|---|
| ”I feel abandoned" | "I feel lonely, scared" |
| "I feel betrayed" | "I feel hurt, angry" |
| "I feel rejected" | "I feel sad, disappointed" |
| "I feel attacked" | "I feel scared, defensive" |
| "I feel unappreciated" | "I feel sad, discouraged” |
The Test: “I feel that…” = a thought “I feel…” [emotion word] = a feeling
Feelings Vocabulary:
When needs ARE met:
| Energy | Examples |
|---|---|
| High | Excited, thrilled, amazed, eager, inspired |
| Medium | Happy, pleased, confident, hopeful, grateful |
| Low | Peaceful, calm, relaxed, content, relieved |
When needs are NOT met:
| Energy | Examples |
|---|---|
| High | Angry, furious, frustrated, anxious, panicked |
| Medium | Sad, disappointed, hurt, confused, worried |
| Low | Tired, exhausted, numb, hopeless, discouraged |
Day 284 (Thursday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Nonviolent Communication” - Chapter 5 (Needs) | 50 min |
| :brain: | AI-assisted: Identify needs behind feelings | 15 min |
Component 3: NEEDS (Universal Human Needs)
All Humans Share These Needs:
| Category | Needs |
|---|---|
| Connection | Love, acceptance, appreciation, understanding, trust |
| Autonomy | Choice, freedom, independence, space |
| Meaning | Purpose, contribution, growth, learning |
| Physical | Food, rest, shelter, safety, health |
| Play | Fun, joy, humor, relaxation |
| Honesty | Authenticity, integrity, presence |
| Peace | Order, harmony, equality, beauty |
Connecting Feelings to Needs:
| I feel… | Because I need… |
|---|---|
| Frustrated | Effectiveness, to be heard |
| Lonely | Connection, companionship |
| Anxious | Safety, predictability |
| Hurt | Respect, consideration |
| Grateful | Support, care |
AI prompt:
I'm having a difficult interaction with someone.
Situation: [describe what happened]
Help me identify:
1. What am I OBSERVING (facts only, no judgments)?
2. What am I FEELING (emotions, not thoughts)?
3. What NEEDS of mine are (un)met?
4. What might THEY be feeling?
5. What NEEDS might they have?
Day 285 (Friday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Nonviolent Communication” - Chapter 6 (Requests) | 50 min |
| :zap: | Create 5 flashcards on OFNR | 10 min |
Component 4: REQUESTS (Not Demands)
The Difference:
| Demand | Request |
|---|---|
| ”No” is punished | ”No” is respected |
| Creates resistance | Invites cooperation |
| ”You MUST do this" | "Would you be willing to…?” |
Good Requests Are:
| Quality | Example |
|---|---|
| Positive | What you DO want, not don’t want |
| Specific | Clear, concrete action |
| Present | What they can do now |
| Actionable | Something they can actually do |
Bad → Good:
| Bad Request | Good Request |
|---|---|
| ”Stop being late" | "Would you be willing to arrive by 9am tomorrow?" |
| "Be more considerate" | "Would you text me when you’re running late?" |
| "I need more support" | "Would you be willing to listen for 10 minutes?" |
| "Just try harder" | "Would you be willing to complete X by Friday?” |
Day 286 (Saturday) - Lighter Day + Practice
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :headphones: | “Nonviolent Communication” - Chapters 7-9 | 50 min |
| :memo: | Exercise: Full OFNR practice | 20 min |
The Full OFNR Pattern:
“When I [OBSERVATION]… I feel [FEELING]… because I need [NEED]… Would you be willing to [REQUEST]?”
Example:
“When I see dishes in the sink from this morning… I feel frustrated… because I need order and shared responsibility… Would you be willing to wash your dishes before bed tonight?”
Your Practice:
Think of a current frustration. Fill in:
Observation: When I see/hear _______________
Feeling: I feel _______________
Need: Because I need _______________
Request: Would you be willing to _______________?
Day 287 (Sunday) - Review + Transition
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | Complete “Nonviolent Communication” - Final chapters | 40 min |
| :memo: | Review all flashcards | 15 min |
| :wrench: | Order/download “Thanks for the Feedback” | 5 min |
Nonviolent Communication Summary:
| Component | Key Distinction |
|---|---|
| O - Observations | Facts, not evaluations (“You’re late” → “You arrived at 10:15”) |
| F - Feelings | Emotions, not thoughts (“I feel abandoned” → “I feel lonely”) |
| N - Needs | Universal needs, not strategies |
| R - Requests | Positive, specific, present, allows “no” |
The Gift of Empathy: Apply OFNR to understand THEM too:
- What are they observing?
- What are they feeling?
- What needs are alive in them?
- What are they requesting?
Week 41 Checkpoint
Before moving to Week 42, you should have:
- Watched Marshall Rosenberg NVC workshop
- Read “Nonviolent Communication”
- Practiced OFNR on at least 3 situations
- Expanded your feelings vocabulary
- Created 15+ flashcards (cumulative)
- Obtained “Thanks for the Feedback”
Week 42: Thanks for the Feedback - Receiving Well
Goal: Complete “Thanks for the Feedback” + Understand feedback triggers
Day 288 (Monday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :movie_camera: | Watch: Sheila Heen on receiving feedback (any interview/talk) | 15 min |
| :books: | “Thanks for the Feedback” - Introduction + Chapters 1-2 | 45 min |
The Core Premise:
The key to receiving feedback well is understanding why we reject it.
Three Types of Feedback:
| Type | Purpose | What We Need | Example |
|---|---|---|---|
| Appreciation | Feel valued | Recognition | ”Great job on that presentation” |
| Coaching | Get better | How to improve | ”Try slowing down when you present” |
| Evaluation | Know standing | Rating | ”You’re meeting expectations” |
The Problem: We often get one type when we need another:
- Want appreciation, get coaching
- Want coaching, get evaluation
- Ask for feedback, feel attacked
Day 289 (Tuesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Thanks for the Feedback” - Chapters 3-4 (Truth Triggers) | 50 min |
| :memo: | Identify your feedback patterns | 10 min |
Trigger 1: TRUTH TRIGGERS
“This feedback is WRONG!”
What Happens:
- We dismiss feedback because we think it’s inaccurate
- We focus on proving it wrong
- We never consider what might be right
The Skill: Separate Content from Delivery
| They say… | You hear… | Consider… |
|---|---|---|
| ”You’re always late” | Wrong! I’m sometimes on time! | When AM I late? What pattern might they see? |
| ”Your report was unclear” | No it wasn’t! | Which parts might be unclear to someone else? |
The Truth About Truth:
- Feedback is never 100% right
- It’s also never 100% wrong
- Your job: Find the 10% that might be useful
Ask:
“What’s RIGHT about this feedback, even if the delivery is off?”
Day 290 (Wednesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Thanks for the Feedback” - Chapters 5-6 (Relationship Triggers) | 50 min |
| :brain: | AI-assisted: Separate content from giver | 15 min |
Trigger 2: RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS
“Who are YOU to tell ME this?”
What Happens:
- We reject feedback because of who’s giving it
- “They’re not qualified”
- “They’re a hypocrite”
- “They have their own agenda”
Two Issues Get Mixed:
- The CONTENT of the feedback (what they said)
- The RELATIONSHIP with the giver (how you feel about them)
The Skill: Separate the Two
Even if:
- The person is annoying
- They have flaws too
- They delivered it badly
…the feedback might still contain truth.
AI prompt:
I received feedback that triggered me because of who gave it:
The feedback was: [what they said]
The giver is: [their relationship to me]
My reaction: [how I felt about them giving this]
Help me:
1. Separate the content from the giver
2. What might be true about the feedback, regardless of source?
3. What's my relationship issue that I should address separately?
Day 291 (Thursday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Thanks for the Feedback” - Chapters 7-8 (Identity Triggers) | 55 min |
| :zap: | Create 5 flashcards on the three triggers | 10 min |
Trigger 3: IDENTITY TRIGGERS
“This threatens who I think I am!”
What Happens:
- Feedback challenges our self-image
- We go into defense mode
- We can’t hear anything useful
The Three Identity Stories:
| Story | Threat | Defense |
|---|---|---|
| ”I’m competent" | "Maybe I’m not good at this" | "They don’t understand the difficulty" |
| "I’m a good person" | "Maybe I hurt someone" | "I didn’t mean it that way" |
| "I’m worthy of love" | "Maybe I’m not valued" | "They’re just picking on me” |
The Skill: Maintain Complexity
| All-or-Nothing | Complex Identity |
|---|---|
| ”If this is true, I’m a failure" | "I’m someone who sometimes fails AND is still competent" |
| "If I hurt them, I’m a bad person" | "I’m a good person who sometimes causes harm” |
Right-sizing:
- Don’t exaggerate: “This one criticism ruins everything”
- Don’t minimize: “It’s no big deal” (when it is)
- Find the actual size of the feedback
Day 292 (Friday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Thanks for the Feedback” - Chapters 9-11 | 50 min |
| :memo: | Identify your primary trigger | 15 min |
Getting Better at Receiving:
Before:
- Recognize your trigger patterns
- Know your “wiring” (how you typically react)
- Prepare for triggering situations
During:
- Buy time: “Let me think about that”
- Separate content from delivery
- Ask clarifying questions
After:
- Ask: “What’s ONE thing I could do differently?”
- Experiment with the feedback
- Follow up with the giver
Questions That Help:
| Instead of… | Ask… |
|---|---|
| Defending | ”Can you give me an example?” |
| Dismissing | ”What would better look like?” |
| Attacking | ”Help me understand your perspective” |
| Shutting down | ”Let me think about this and come back” |
Your Trigger Profile:
Which trigger affects you most?
- Truth (I focus on what’s wrong about the feedback)
- Relationship (I focus on who’s giving it)
- Identity (I feel threatened about who I am)
Day 293 (Saturday) - Lighter Day
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :headphones: | Complete “Thanks for the Feedback” - Final chapters | 45 min |
| :memo: | Exercise: Ask for feedback this week | 15 min |
Pulling Feedback:
Instead of waiting for feedback (push), actively seek it (pull):
| Push (Less Effective) | Pull (More Effective) |
|---|---|
| Wait for annual review | Ask weekly |
| General: “Any feedback?” | Specific: “What’s one thing I could improve on X?” |
| Defensive when given | Curious when received |
Your Feedback Request:
This week, ask three people:
-
Person: _______________ Question: “What’s one thing I could do differently in [X]?”
-
Person: _______________ Question: “What am I not seeing about [Y]?”
-
Person: _______________ Question: “If you had to suggest one improvement, what would it be?”
Day 294 (Sunday) - Review + Transition
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :memo: | Review all flashcards | 15 min |
| :wrench: | Order/download “Getting Past No” and “The Anatomy of Peace” | 5 min |
| :books: | Begin “Getting Past No” - first chapter preview | 20 min |
Thanks for the Feedback Summary:
| Trigger | What Happens | Skill |
|---|---|---|
| Truth | ”It’s wrong!” | Find what’s right |
| Relationship | ”Who are you to tell me?” | Separate content from giver |
| Identity | ”This threatens who I am” | Maintain complexity |
The Receiving Stance:
“What can I learn from this, even if it’s delivered poorly?”
Week 42 Checkpoint
Before moving to Week 43, you should have:
- Read “Thanks for the Feedback”
- Identified your primary feedback trigger
- Asked for specific feedback from 3 people
- Created 20+ flashcards (cumulative)
- Obtained “Getting Past No” and “The Anatomy of Peace”
Week 43: Getting Past No + The Anatomy of Peace
Goal: Complete both books + Master breakthrough negotiation strategies
Day 295 (Monday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Getting Past No” - Introduction + Chapters 1-2 | 50 min |
| :memo: | Note: What situations make you react instead of respond? | 10 min |
When “Getting to Yes” Doesn’t Work:
“Getting Past No” is for when the other side:
- Won’t cooperate
- Uses dirty tricks
- Has more power
- Refuses to negotiate
The 5 Breakthrough Strategies:
| Step | Strategy | What It Means |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Go to the Balcony | Don’t react; step back |
| 2 | Step to Their Side | Disarm, acknowledge, agree where you can |
| 3 | Reframe | Change the game from positions to interests |
| 4 | Build a Golden Bridge | Make it easy for them to say yes |
| 5 | Use Power to Educate | Help them see consequences |
Day 296 (Tuesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Getting Past No” - Chapters 3-4 (Go to the Balcony + Step to Their Side) | 55 min |
| :brain: | AI-assisted: Practice stepping to their side | 15 min |
Strategy 1: Go to the Balcony
When attacked, we naturally:
- Strike back
- Give in
- Break off
The Balcony: Imagine you’re watching from above:
- What’s really happening here?
- What are they trying to achieve?
- What’s my goal?
Tactics:
- Pause before responding
- Name the game: “It seems like we’ve gotten stuck”
- Buy time: “Let me think about that”
Strategy 2: Step to Their Side
Disarm them by acknowledging their perspective.
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| ”That’s ridiculous" | "I can see why you’d feel that way" |
| "You’re wrong" | "I hadn’t thought of it that way" |
| "But…" | "Yes, and…” |
Acknowledge Without Agreeing:
- “I understand you’re frustrated”
- “You have a point about X”
- “I can see this matters to you”
AI prompt:
I'm in a difficult negotiation where the other person is being adversarial.
They're saying/doing: [describe their behavior]
My natural reaction is: [describe your instinct]
Help me:
1. What would "going to the balcony" look like here?
2. How could I "step to their side" without giving up my position?
3. What could I acknowledge that might disarm them?
Day 297 (Wednesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “Getting Past No” - Chapters 5-6 (Reframe + Golden Bridge) | 55 min |
| :zap: | Practice reframing statements | 10 min |
Strategy 3: Reframe
Change the game from positions to interests.
Reframing Techniques:
| They Say… | Reframe To… |
|---|---|
| ”I want X" | "What would X give you?" |
| "That’s not acceptable" | "What would be acceptable?" |
| "Take it or leave it" | "Help me understand why this matters” |
| Personal attack | Focus on the problem |
The Power of Questions:
- Questions shift from demanding to curious
- They can’t be wrong (it’s just a question)
- They invite thinking rather than defending
Strategy 4: Build a Golden Bridge
Make it easy for them to say yes.
Obstacles to Agreement:
- It’s not their idea
- They’ll look weak
- They’ll lose face
- Change is hard
The Bridge:
| Obstacle | Solution |
|---|---|
| Not their idea | Ask for their input, incorporate it |
| Looking weak | Help them explain it as a win |
| Losing face | Let them save face |
| Too big a leap | Create small steps |
Day 298 (Thursday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | Complete “Getting Past No” + Begin “The Anatomy of Peace” - Preface + Part 1 | 55 min |
| :memo: | Reflection: When is your heart “at war”? | 10 min |
Strategy 5: Use Power to Educate
Show consequences, but don’t threaten.
The Difference:
| Threat | Education |
|---|---|
| ”If you don’t, I’ll…" | "If we can’t agree, we’ll each have to…" |
| "You’ll be sorry" | "Here’s what might happen for both of us” |
| Attacking | Informing |
The Goal: Not to punish, but to make clear the cost of not agreeing.
The Anatomy of Peace - Introduction:
A different lens on conflict: the HEART.
Two Ways of Being:
| Heart at War | Heart at Peace |
|---|---|
| See others as objects | See others as people |
| Justify yourself | Take responsibility |
| Need to be right | Want to understand |
| Blame others | Look at your contribution |
Self-Betrayal: When we betray what we know is right, we justify it by seeing others negatively.
Day 299 (Friday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :books: | “The Anatomy of Peace” - Parts 2-3 | 55 min |
| :zap: | Create 5 flashcards on Heart at War/Peace | 10 min |
The Box:
When we have a “heart at war,” we’re “in the box.”
Signs You’re in the Box:
- Seeing others as obstacles, vehicles, or irrelevancies
- Justifying your behavior
- Magnifying others’ faults
- Minimizing your own contribution
- Feeling victimized
How We Get in the Box:
- We have an instinct to help/do right
- We betray it (don’t act on it)
- We justify the betrayal
- We start seeing others negatively
Getting Out of the Box:
- See others as people, not objects
- Take responsibility for your contribution
- Let go of needing to be right
- Ask: “What do THEY need?”
Day 300 (Saturday) - Lighter Day
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :headphones: | Complete “The Anatomy of Peace” - Final parts | 50 min |
| :memo: | Exercise: Identify your “box” patterns | 20 min |
Four Styles of Being in the Box:
| Style | How It Looks | Justification |
|---|---|---|
| Better Than | Superior, dismissive | ”I’m smarter/better” |
| Worse Than | Victim, helpless | ”I can’t because…” |
| I Deserve | Entitled, demanding | ”I’ve earned this” |
| Must Be Seen As | Image-focused | ”People need to think…” |
Your Box Patterns:
Which style do you default to in conflict?
- Better Than (feeling superior)
- Worse Than (feeling victimized)
- I Deserve (feeling entitled)
- Must Be Seen As (worried about image)
What triggers this?
What would “heart at peace” look like in that situation?
Day 301 (Sunday) - Integration
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :memo: | Review all Phase 4 flashcards | 20 min |
| :memo: | Map the frameworks together | 20 min |
How the Frameworks Connect:
┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ HEART AT PEACE │
│ (Foundation for everything else) │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
↓
┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS │
│ Three Conversations: What Happened, Feelings, │
│ Identity │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
↓
┌───────────────────────┐ ┌────────────────────────────────┐
│ GETTING TO YES │ │ NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION │
│ Interests > Positions│ │ Observations, Feelings, │
│ BATNA, Mutual Gain │ │ Needs, Requests │
└───────────────────────┘ └────────────────────────────────┘
↓
┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK │
│ Truth, Relationship, Identity Triggers → Receiving well │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
Week 43 Checkpoint
Before moving to Week 44, you should have:
- Read “Getting Past No”
- Read “The Anatomy of Peace”
- Understood the 5 Breakthrough Strategies
- Identified your “box” patterns
- Created 25+ flashcards (cumulative)
Week 44: Integration, Practice, Phase 4 Completion
Goal: Practice with role-plays, complete reflection, consolidate learning
Day 302 (Monday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :brain: | AI-assisted role-play: Difficult conversation | 30 min |
| :memo: | Journal: Analyze a past conflict | 25 min |
Role-Play Practice 1: Giving Difficult Feedback
AI prompt:
I need to practice giving difficult feedback.
Scenario: I need to tell a colleague that their work quality has been slipping.
Play the role of the colleague. Start defensive, but respond realistically to good technique.
I'll practice:
1. Starting from the "Third Story"
2. Using "And Stance"
3. Sharing observations (not judgments)
4. Expressing my feelings and needs
5. Making a clear request
Give me feedback on my approach after each exchange.
Conflict Analysis Journal:
Think of a past conflict. Analyze it:
| Question | Your Answer |
|---|---|
| What happened? (facts only) | |
| What was my story? | |
| What was their story? | |
| What did I contribute? | |
| What did they contribute? | |
| What feelings were present? (mine) | |
| What feelings were present? (theirs) | |
| What needs were unmet? (mine) | |
| What needs were unmet? (theirs) | |
| What would I do differently? |
Day 303 (Tuesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :brain: | AI-assisted role-play: Negotiation | 30 min |
| :memo: | Design your NVC practice | 25 min |
Role-Play Practice 2: Salary Negotiation
AI prompt:
I want to practice negotiating a raise.
Play the role of my manager who:
- Has budget constraints
- Values me but hasn't offered a raise
- Might be defensive
I'll practice:
1. Starting with interests (not positions)
2. Using objective criteria
3. Building a "golden bridge"
4. Knowing my BATNA
Start the conversation with "What did you want to talk about?" and respond realistically.
NVC Daily Practice Plan:
For the next week, practice NVC:
| Day | Practice |
|---|---|
| Day 1 | Notice judgments; convert 3 to observations |
| Day 2 | Identify feelings throughout the day |
| Day 3 | Connect feelings to needs |
| Day 4 | Make one request (not demand) |
| Day 5 | Apply full OFNR to one situation |
| Day 6 | Practice empathic listening with OFNR |
| Day 7 | Reflect on what you’ve learned |
Day 304 (Wednesday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :brain: | AI-assisted role-play: Receiving feedback | 30 min |
| :zap: | Practice receiving feedback from someone today | 20 min |
Role-Play Practice 3: Receiving Critical Feedback
AI prompt:
I want to practice receiving critical feedback well.
Give me feedback on my:
- Communication style (tell me I interrupt too much)
- Work quality (tell me my reports are too detailed)
- Collaboration (tell me I don't include others enough)
Deliver it realistically - with some truth and some inaccuracy.
I'll practice:
1. Not getting defensive
2. Asking clarifying questions
3. Separating content from giver
4. Finding what's useful
5. Thanking you
Give me feedback on how well I received it.
Day 305 (Thursday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :memo: | Complete Phase 4 Reflection Questions | 45 min |
| :zap: | Final flashcard review | 15 min |
Phase 4 Reflection Questions:
-
What’s your default conflict style?
- Avoid (pretend it doesn’t exist)
- Accommodate (give in to keep peace)
- Compete (win at all costs)
- Compromise (meet in the middle)
- Collaborate (find win-win)
-
Using NVC, reframe a recent difficult interaction:
- Observation: _______________
- Feeling: _______________
- Need: _______________
- Request: _______________
-
What’s your BATNA in a current situation?
-
Which feedback trigger affects you most?
- Truth (you think it’s wrong)
- Relationship (you reject the source)
- Identity (it threatens who you are)
-
When is your heart “at war”? What triggers it?
-
Name three things you’d do differently in past conflicts:
-
-
What’s the most important skill you’ve learned in Phase 4?
Day 306 (Friday)
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :brain: | Final role-play: Complete difficult conversation | 35 min |
| :memo: | Create your conflict resolution “cheat sheet” | 20 min |
Your Conflict Resolution Cheat Sheet:
When conflict arises:
Step 1: Go to the Balcony
- Pause
- Ask: What’s really happening?
Step 2: Check Your Heart
- Am I at war or peace?
- Am I seeing them as a person?
Step 3: Understand the Three Conversations
- What happened? (both stories)
- Feelings (mine and theirs)
- Identity (what’s at stake)
Step 4: Use OFNR
- Observation (not judgment)
- Feeling (not thought)
- Need (universal)
- Request (not demand)
Step 5: Negotiate on Interests
- What do they need?
- What do I need?
- What options satisfy both?
Step 6: Receive Feedback Well
- Separate content from delivery
- Find what’s useful
- Ask: “What’s one thing I could do differently?”
Day 307 (Saturday) - Review Day
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :memo: | Review entire Phase 4 | 30 min |
| :memo: | Identify ongoing practice areas | 20 min |
| :wrench: | Preview Phase 5 books | 10 min |
Phase 4 Books Summary:
| Book | Key Framework | One-Line Takeaway |
|---|---|---|
| Difficult Conversations | Three Conversations | Every conflict has facts, feelings, and identity |
| Getting to Yes | Principled Negotiation | Focus on interests, not positions |
| Nonviolent Communication | OFNR | Observations → Feelings → Needs → Requests |
| Thanks for the Feedback | Three Triggers | Truth, Relationship, Identity block receiving |
| Getting Past No | 5 Breakthrough Steps | Go to balcony, step to their side, reframe, golden bridge, educate |
| The Anatomy of Peace | Heart at War/Peace | See others as people, not objects |
Day 308 (Sunday) - Phase 4 Completion
| Time | Activity | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| :wrench: | Update PROGRESS_TRACKER.md | 10 min |
| :wrench: | Order/download Phase 5A books | 10 min |
| :memo: | Final reflection | 20 min |
Phase 4 Complete!
What You’ve Accomplished
Phase 4 (Weeks 39-44):
- “Difficult Conversations” - Stone, Patton, Heen (Three Conversations)
- “Getting to Yes” - Fisher & Ury (BATNA, Principled Negotiation)
- “Nonviolent Communication” - Marshall Rosenberg (OFNR)
- “Thanks for the Feedback” - Stone & Heen (Three Triggers)
- “Getting Past No” - William Ury (5 Breakthrough Strategies)
- “The Anatomy of Peace” - Arbinger Institute (Heart at War/Peace)
- TED Talks (Ury, Heen)
- Multiple role-play practices
- NVC daily practice
- 25+ flashcards
Time Invested
- Months 11-12 Total: ~42-48 hours
- Daily average: ~55 minutes
- Running total: ~320-360 hours
You Now Understand:
- How to navigate the Three Conversations in any conflict
- How to negotiate on interests (not positions)
- How to communicate without triggering defensiveness (NVC)
- How to receive feedback without becoming defensive
- How to break through when others won’t cooperate
- How to maintain a “heart at peace” in conflict
Next Steps: Phase 5 Preview
Phase 5: Build & Create
You’ve learned to understand yourself (Phase 1), understand others (Phase 2), lead (Phase 3), and navigate conflict (Phase 4). Now learn to BUILD.
Phase 5A: Strategy & Finance
| Book | Author | Why It Matters |
|---|---|---|
| Good Strategy Bad Strategy | Richard Rumelt | What strategy actually is |
| Playing to Win | Lafley & Martin | Making strategic choices |
| Thinking in Bets | Annie Duke | Decision-making under uncertainty |
| Financial Intelligence | Berman & Knight | Reading the numbers |
Phase 5B: Entrepreneurship
| Book | Author | Why It Matters |
|---|---|---|
| The Lean Startup | Eric Ries | Build → Measure → Learn |
| Zero to One | Peter Thiel | Creating something new |
| This Is Marketing | Seth Godin | Marketing that matters |
Key insight: Strategy is choosing what NOT to do. Entrepreneurship is creating what doesn’t exist.
Continue to Phase 5A: Strategy & Finance
Troubleshooting
”I’m behind schedule”
Options:
- Prioritize: If you can only read 3 books: “Difficult Conversations” + “Getting to Yes” + “Nonviolent Communication”
- Videos: Marshall Rosenberg’s workshop is 3 hours and covers NVC fully
- Audiobooks: All are excellent on audio
- Extend: Take 7-8 weeks instead of 6
”These books seem repetitive”
- They build on each other, not repeat
- Each adds a different lens
- Repetition is intentional (spaced learning)
“I don’t have conflicts to practice on”
- Practice on small disagreements
- Use AI role-play extensively
- Practice NVC internally (noticing your own judgments)
“NVC feels awkward”
- It IS awkward at first
- You don’t have to use the exact formula
- The mindset matters more than the words
- Even internal practice changes how you communicate
Quick Reference Card
Three Conversations
- What Happened - Two stories, both incomplete
- Feelings - Present in every conflict
- Identity - Competence, goodness, worthiness
Getting to Yes
- Separate people from problems
- Focus on interests, not positions
- Invent options for mutual gain
- Use objective criteria
- Know your BATNA
OFNR (NVC)
- Observation (facts, not judgments)
- Feelings (emotions, not thoughts)
- Needs (universal human needs)
- Request (positive, specific, allows “no”)
Feedback Triggers
- Truth - “It’s wrong!”
- Relationship - “Who are you to say?”
- Identity - “This threatens who I am”
Breakthrough Negotiation
- Go to the Balcony
- Step to Their Side
- Reframe
- Build a Golden Bridge
- Use Power to Educate
Heart at Peace vs. War
- Peace: See others as people
- War: See others as objects
Eleven and twelve months complete. You understand yourself (Phase 1), others (Phase 2), leadership (Phase 3), and now conflict navigation (Phase 4). Phase 5 teaches you to build and create - strategy and entrepreneurship.
Continue to Phase 5A: Strategy & Finance
Previous: Month 10 Schedule | Next: Months 13-14 Schedule